chicooooooo ([info]ohchico) wrote in [info]weepingcock,

It's that time of the year again!

I know you've all been looking forward to this: the winner of the 2010 Bad Sex in Fiction Award has just been announced. Rowan Somerville's intriguing use of simile in The Shape of Her secured him the prize. Brace yourselves, because here's an excerpt:

Like a lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect with a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her.
... yep.

I want you to just sit and think about this for a moment. While I wait for the horror to settle in, let's commemorate some past winners.

2009
The Kindly Ones, by Jonathan Littell
Her vulva was opposite my face. The small lips protruded slightly from the pale, domed flesh. This sex was watching at me, spying on me, like a Gorgon’s head, like a motionless Cyclops whose single eye never blinks. Little by little this silent gaze penetrated me to the marrow. My breath sped up and I stretched out my hand to hide it: I no longer saw it, but it still saw me and stripped me bare (whereas I was already naked). If only I could still get hard, I thought, I could use my prick like a stake hardened in the fire, and blind this Polyphemus who made me Nobody. But my cock remained inert, I seemed turned to stone. I stretched out my arm and buried my middle finger into this boundless eye. The hips moved slightly, but that was all. Far from piercing it, I had on the contrary opened it wide, freeing the gaze of the eye still hiding behind it. Then I had an idea: I took out my finger and, dragging myself forward on my forearms, I pushed my forehead against this vulva, pressing my scar against the hole. Now I was the one looking inside, searching the depths of this body with my radiant third eye, as her own single eye irradiated me and we blinded each other mutually: without moving, I came in an immense splash of white light, as she cried out: ‘What are you doing, what are you doing?’ and I laughed out loud, sperm still gushing in huge spurts from my penis, jubilant, I bit deep into her vulva to swallow it whole, and my eyes finally opened, cleared, and saw everything.

2008
Shire Hell, by Rachel Johnson
JM comes over and pushes me gently back down on the fake fur. I try to rise up to kiss him - it's so lovely, the kissing - but he pushes me down, again. He likes to kiss me all over before he does anything else. He starts with my eyes, and plants a tender kiss on each lid.

... He moves on to my ears, a kiss that makes my nipples stand erect, and me emit little moans that drown out to my own ears the loud, distracting sound of Cumberbatch swiping dock leaves and tearing nettles and long grasses very close to the rickety stoop.

JM's hands are caressing my breasts, now, and I am allowed to kiss him back, but not for very long, for he breaks off, to give each breast in turn the attention it deserves. As he nibbles and pulls with his mouth, his hands find my bush, and with light fingers he flutters about there, as if he is a moth caught inside a lampshade.

Almost screaming after five agonizingly pleasurable minutes, I make a grab, to put him, now angrily slapping against both our bellies, inside, but he holds both my arms down, and puts his tongue to my core, like a cat lapping up a dish of cream so as not to miss a single drop. I find myself gripping his ears and tugging at the locks curling over them, beside myself, and a strange animal noise escapes from me as the mounting, Wagnerian crescendo overtakes me. I really do hope at this point that all the Spodders are, as requested, attending the meeting about slug clearance or whatever it is.

2007
The Castle in the Forest, by Norman Mailer
'Are you all right?' she cried out as he lay beside her, his breath going in and out with a rasp that sounded as terrible as the last winds of their lost children.

'All right. Yes. No,' he said. Then she was on him. She did not know if this would resuscitate him or end him, but the same spite, sharp as a needle, that had come to her after Fanni's death was in her again. Fanni had told her once what to do. So Klara turned head to foot, and put her most unmentionable part down on his hard-breathing nose and mouth, and took his old battering ram into her lips. Uncle was now as soft as a coil of excrement. She sucked on him nonetheless with an avidity that could come only from the Evil One - that she knew. From there, the impulse had come. So now they both had their heads at the wrong end, and the Evil One was there. He had never been so close before.

The Hound began to come to life. Right in her mouth. It surprised her. Alois had been so limp. But now he was a man again! His mouth lathered with her sap, he turned around and embraced her face with all the passion of his own lips and face, ready at last to grind into her with the Hound, drive it into her piety.

2006
Twenty Something, by Iain Hollingshead
I can feel her breasts against her chest. I cup my hands round her face and start to kiss her properly. She slides one of her slender legs in between mine.

Oh Jack, she was moaning now, her curves pushed up against me, her crotch taut against my bulging trousers, her hands gripping fistfuls of my hair.

She reaches for my belt. I groan too, in expectation. And then I'm inside her, and everything is pure white as we're lost in a commotion of grunts and squeaks, flashing unconnected images and explosions of a million little particles.

2005
Villages, by John Updike
A flock of crows, six or eight, raucously rasping at one another, thrashed into the top of an oak on the edge of the square of sky. The heavenly invasion made his heart race; he looked down at his prick, silently begging it not to be distracted; his mind fought skidding into crows and woods, babies and Phyllis, and his prick stared back at him with its one eye clouded by a single drop of pure seminal yearning. He felt suspended at the top of an arc. Faye leaned back on the blanket, arranging her legs in an M of receptivity, and he knelt between them like the most abject and craven supplicant who ever exposed his bare ass to the eagle eyes of a bunch of crows.

Faye took him in hand. He slipped in. He became an adulterer. He went for the last inch. She grunted, at her own revelation. His was that her cunt did not feel like Phyllis's. Smoother, somehow simpler, its wetness less thick, less of a sauce, more of a glaze. It was soon over. He could not help himself, he was so excited, proud, and nervous. When he was done, he opened his eyes, and saw this stranger's face an inch from his, seemingly asleep, the closed eyelids showing a thin pulse, her long lips curved self-lullingly.

Good times.

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[info]cykotyks

November 30 2010, 01:55:53 UTC 1 year ago

I couldn't get past '09's winner. It's a vagina, not the Abyss!

Though, the first excerpt from this year's winner just makes me think of when I'm trying to get a tack into the wall, and the motions that that involves isn't really all that sexy :/ It's more just...ridiculous.

[info]inferiarecoming

November 30 2010, 02:18:29 UTC 1 year ago

IKR? It sounds like something out of a horror movie...

And I have to admit that I have no idea what the first one means. I kind of stared at it for a few minutes and then carried on.

[info]labhaoise

1 year ago

[info]ianam1983

1 year ago

[info]labhaoise

1 year ago

[info]ianam1983

1 year ago

[info]patina

1 year ago

[info]squidviscous

November 30 2010, 01:58:29 UTC 1 year ago

"less of a sauce, more of a glaze."

Lol, how is it that the so called professionals almost always crank out funnier stuff than fanfic writers?

[info]atira7

December 2 2010, 09:15:01 UTC 1 year ago

Your icon has made this post somehow even better <3

[info]wigsnatcher

November 30 2010, 02:02:45 UTC 1 year ago

How do these people get published. Anyone can get published. Can I go write a book now cuz it's sure as hell gonna be better than this.

"and his prick stared back at him with its one eye clouded by a single drop of pure seminal yearning"

Ugh blug.

[info]raykat

November 30 2010, 04:56:51 UTC 1 year ago

Seminal Yearning is my new garage band name.

[info]revanchists

November 30 2010, 02:11:45 UTC 1 year ago

‘What are you doing, what are you doing?’

most apt dialogue i've ever seen in badfic.

[info]kita0610

November 30 2010, 02:23:29 UTC 1 year ago

Like a lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect with a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her.

Like Zorro?

[info]ohchico

November 30 2010, 02:25:32 UTC 1 year ago

lmao

"Like Zorro" needs to be a meme.

[info]kita0610

1 year ago

[info]kita0610

1 year ago

[info]fierceawakening

November 30 2010, 02:25:03 UTC 1 year ago

Is Mr. Littell gay? He certainly seems to be rather perturbed by cunt, which makes his life seem... rather unfortunate, if he isn't.

[info]ianam1983

November 30 2010, 03:49:52 UTC 1 year ago

Especially if he goes around biting them. That can't be healthy.

[info]pd_singer

1 year ago

[info]oaktree89

November 30 2010, 02:29:35 UTC 1 year ago

she cried out: ‘What are you doing, what are you doing?’
never a good thing to hear during sex.

his old battering ram
!!!

a commotion of grunts and squeaks
realistic? yes. sexy? um.


[info]ianam1983

November 30 2010, 03:52:04 UTC 1 year ago

Fucking pigs comes to mind. So sexy. -__-

[info]oaktree89

1 year ago

[info]oaktree89

1 year ago

[info]tempered_rose

November 30 2010, 02:32:34 UTC 1 year ago

[info]iceshade

November 30 2010, 03:55:24 UTC 1 year ago

This was my reaction exactly. FUCKING SAVED.

[info]iceshade

1 year ago

[info]atira7

1 year ago

[info]mpinsky

November 30 2010, 02:32:58 UTC 1 year ago

Yeah, I'm still stuck on '09 as well. Somewhere along the way, I got...lost in all the purple pose.

(And I thought I had a penis!fear? That ain't got nothing on this.)

[info]brokentriangle

November 30 2010, 02:39:05 UTC 1 year ago

I find myself gripping his ears and tugging at the locks curling over them, beside myself, and a strange animal noise escapes from me as the mounting, Wagnerian crescendo overtakes me. I really do hope at this point that all the Spodders are, as requested, attending the meeting about slug clearance or whatever it is.

What? What? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. So sexy.

[info]ianam1983

November 30 2010, 03:52:59 UTC 1 year ago

Raaaaandom. Plot and porn do not like to overlap, it seems. Especially when the plot involves slug clearance.

Wtf is slug clearance

[info]barrelgoddess

November 30 2010, 02:58:03 UTC 1 year ago

But my cock remained inert

[info]tastelesssoda

November 30 2010, 07:41:26 UTC 1 year ago

I'm glad someone else went there.

[info]andromeda3116

November 30 2010, 02:58:46 UTC 1 year ago

You know, I looked this up on the explicit hope that I was wrong, but.

Lepidopterist
-- n
a person who studies or collects moths and butterflies

Boy entomology gets me hot.

[info]kirstenlouise

November 30 2010, 03:18:32 UTC 1 year ago

For my part, I'm just sitting back and frowning disapprovingly because neither moths nor butterflies are tough-skinned insects.

So, really, he should have been fucking her like a normal, run-of-the-mill entomologist.

*huffs snootily*

[info]ianam1983

1 year ago

[info]ruthlessangel

November 30 2010, 03:09:19 UTC 1 year ago

Wow..I started this post thinking I was reading a cut post from [info]customers_suck That-- that was disorienting... XD

[info]rainbow_gray

November 30 2010, 03:49:16 UTC 1 year ago

Oh god the 2009 winner, what the fuck.

[info]tempered_rose

November 30 2010, 03:56:15 UTC 1 year ago

Icon envy, I has it. XD

[info]maryseif

November 30 2010, 04:05:11 UTC 1 year ago

"...and he knelt between them like the most abject and craven supplicant who ever exposed his bare ass to the eagle eyes of a bunch of crows."

The wording in that just made my whole week.

[info]kallistepsukhe

November 30 2010, 04:14:25 UTC 1 year ago

As for '09's winner if you are going to associate "The Odyssey" with sex there are far sexier parts.

[info]voodoochild9

November 30 2010, 05:44:27 UTC 1 year ago

IKR? D:

[info]wazira_sharira

November 30 2010, 04:15:25 UTC 1 year ago Edited:  November 30 2010, 04:15:54 UTC

"Entomologist" would be the better word; lepidopterists exclusively handle butterflies and moths, which are almost never thick-skinned insects.

...Yes, I am deliberately missing the point.

[info]ilaniel

November 30 2010, 05:06:49 UTC 1 year ago

Hahaha, I totally thought the same thing when I read it. XD

"Lepidopterist...? But...moths pin easy!" >_>

[info]sorion

November 30 2010, 04:45:20 UTC 1 year ago

Well earned *claps*

[info]chaobell

November 30 2010, 05:09:46 UTC 1 year ago

Re: the 2009 winner:

[info]morganite

November 30 2010, 05:45:15 UTC 1 year ago

"flashing unconnected images and explosions of a million little particles."

Anyone remember that one google front page where the logo was made of little circles, and when you moved your mouse close to it, they'd swirl around and away from you?

Now imagine trying to have sex, but whenever you try to touch your partner, they explode into little particles that swirl away, then back into place when you pull back.

Or, better yet, don't.

"he looked down at his prick, silently begging it not to be distracted"

And his prick, meanwhile, is all like "Why you always trying to have sex with me when my favorite show is on?"

And if crows are supposed to care about anyone's ass, I don't want to know about it.

[info]voodoochild9

November 30 2010, 05:51:01 UTC 1 year ago

Uncle was now as soft as a coil of excrement.
...WAT?

[info]ianam1983

November 30 2010, 20:48:10 UTC 1 year ago

But hopefully not, y'know, mushy and falling apart. That'd just be great. *Gag*

Deleted comment

[info]poodilywoots

November 30 2010, 20:59:16 UTC 1 year ago

This is OT but I am mesmerized by your icon. Oh, Vegeta, you laugh but once a year.

[info]southern_facade

November 30 2010, 05:58:32 UTC 1 year ago

"This sex was watching at me, spying on me, like a Gorgon’s head, like a motionless Cyclops whose single eye never blinks."
Blaaaargh! I'm gonna eat chuu!

"I can feel her breasts against her chest."
... As if you're gonna feel anything else? WTF, point out the OBVIOUS!
Also, I misread the "Bulging Trousers" part... All I saw was "BULGING BOULDERS. Oh, yeah!

"pure seminal yearning"
Yeah, that's the name of my new album... Why are you running? STOP MACING ME! D:

"of a sauce, more of a glaze"
'Cause thick, saucy cunts were SO last season. GIMME SOME OF DAT GLAZY LIGHT GLAZE ON THE GOOOOOOO! ._.

[info]aim_of_destiny

November 30 2010, 07:49:53 UTC 1 year ago

GIP

[info]hotclaws

1 year ago

[info]elfishh

November 30 2010, 06:01:14 UTC 1 year ago

"What are you doing, what are you doing?"

Meet several authors. They are about to be ridiculed for writing terrible sex scenes. This fate could have been avoided if they had had a sassy gay friend.

(please tell me I wasn't the only one thinking that)

[info]theficklepickle

November 30 2010, 06:23:39 UTC 1 year ago

So stealing your icon ...

[info]ohchico

1 year ago

[info]cosmicbiscuit

November 30 2010, 06:19:06 UTC 1 year ago

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